Three Walls

There is something impressive and daunting in three moss covered, cracking and tall stone walls. How were they built? How do they stand the test of time when others crumble and fall? The sounds in these walls are hard, clear, ringing and therapeutic. Bang! Bang! Bang! The walls bounce the vibrations to and from each other as my world shrinks into a long corridor of shots and sounds. Bang! Bang! Bang! The dead noise is ever increasing in volume and the rhythm changes tempo as the orchestration is welcomed with a loud applause by the pundits.The curtain is raised, let's commence the performance!

But the reality is there is no listener, there is no conductor of the orchestra and no plaudits for the music being composed. There are no rewards and no slaps on the back for the time spent here. For this is no opera house, this place is not openly welcoming. These walls are harsh and provide no sanctuary for the soul searcher; yet soul searchers continue to come here. These walls are the mirror which reflects my imperfections and flaws; the characteristics I want to hide from. The visions that I don’t want to see. This place is the reality I don’t want to face. This place is home to my inner demons and they reveal my true character. These walls define the person I have become and will continue to direct me on my journey to the person I want to be. And all the time I am here, there is sweet silence deafened by the sounds of striking. Bang! Bang! Bang!

I don’t come to break down these walls. I embrace them. I arrive with questions and in turn, have many questions returned. I bring questions of my ambitions, abilities, traits, commitment, self-doubts, inner emotions and my beliefs. I also carry with me my feelings of anger, cynicism, disillusionment, regret and hope. Why am I here? What is it that keeps me coming back? Is it worth coming here? Why is there nobody else here? What is my purpose? Am I a nice person? Am I an asshole? What made me decide to come here? What makes me behave the way I do? Why have I lost? Why have I gained? Who supports me? Why do my relationships fall apart? Did I give everything of myself? Did I give up? Why have I not achieved all my goals? Why did I not take that chance? When will this stop? Will this ever stop? Can I make it stop? Do I want it to stop?

The three walls stand tall. They never move and they never shift; they are magnificent in their functionality and beauty. These walls have withstood time. They have taken a beating in stormy weather from stormier men and have been illuminated by summer rays. These walls are the keepers of an infinite bible of stories. They are my church. They have seen men torn down and they have also built men up. They have provided light to the soul searchers and gave darkness to those who choose to abandon the quest. They tell me things about myself I do not know. They provide guidance to journeys I cannot travel alone. To those who have never made the pilgrimage to face them and understand their purpose, they are an eyesore, ugly and unnecessary.

They don’t offer any solutions to the questions I keep within but instead they allow the philosopher to form his own ideas, thoughts and actions. This dark, dank, cold and isolated place does not provide any answers but provides relief. Often, I find myself leaving this place with more questions than I have arrived with. Yet all the time the questions are being posed and the student is being tested, the sounds continue to resonate beautifully. Bang! Bang! Bang!

As the performance reaches its conclusion, the music grows louder. At this stage the inner demons are telling you to stop, that there will be other days, there will be other opportunities, that I am weary, I have become tired and to calm down. There is only one guarantee here, there will be a finish. However, it is uncertain who will succeed and who will fail. The walls are not competing. They are observant. They are the referee to my boxing match with no round count, no timer, no bell and no other opponent. The sounds grow louder and louder. Bang! Bang! Bang! And suddenly they stop.

The game will not end today. There is no date or time or event set aside to cease the onslaught. The answers I seek will come when I least expect it. For now I keep my inner questions and doubts and await the solutions to form within me. I know I must return and seek further clarity. This place is humiliating, terrifying and awesome.

Welcome to pipe and drums parade. It’s good to be making noise.